


this summer wind

by demonglass



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, Neighbors, Religion, Self-Acceptance, if ur het this may not be 4 u, never Explicitly stated but big homophobia, suppressing feelings, the whole fic is just trying to say things without actually Saying them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-19 04:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22471864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonglass/pseuds/demonglass
Summary: When Felix stands and turns to leave, Hyunjin does not follow. He holds still, watches Felix’s retreating back, and wonders how many times he’ll have to live this same scene over again before something finally gives.Long after Felix is gone, he still wonders.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix
Comments: 40
Kudos: 135
Collections: WIP OLYMPICS: WINTER 2019/20





	this summer wind

The marble counter is cold against Hyunjin’s bare arms. He clasps his hands tight as the weight of his body pressing down on his forearms burns them against the polished stone, but he doesn’t move. Down the hall, the grandfather clock is  _ tick tick ticking  _ away, signaling the slow, constant passage of time. To Hyunjin’s right, the toaster glows red, time running down with each tick of the clock. He’s expecting the  _ pop  _ of the springs when the bread jumps free of its caging, but he still flinches at the sound. 

A plate comes down from the cupboard, a knife is pulled from the silverware drawer, jam from the fridge. Hyunjin slathers the toast with crushed berry and slides the plate across the island. He doesn’t look up even when a deft hand catches the plate and stops its momentum. 

If Hyunjin looks up, he’ll see Felix. If he looks up, he’ll see the blood, the bruises. If Hyunjin looks up… well, he’s just not ready. He loads the knife in the dishwasher to give himself something to do. He screws the lid back on the jam and puts it back where he found it, the fridge door closing with a soft sigh. 

The crunch of bread breaking cuts through the air, shattering the silence. Hyunjin bites down on his lip and steels himself before turning. One step forward and his palms flat against the cold countertop ground him. He looks up enough to see the bread, dripping red, and Felix’s lips, stained the same color. Hyunjin swallows and looks back to the swirling gray counter. Another crunch, and it’s the only sound in the room, in the  _ house,  _ save Hyunjin’s hushed breathing. 

They stay like that, on opposite sides of the island, listening to Felix eat, refusing to meet each other’s eyes. Well, Hyunjin refuses. He can feel Felix’s gaze weighing heavy on him, his cheeks, the chain hanging from his neck. When Felix finally finishes off the toast, the room goes so quiet that Hyunjin can hear Felix’s hands settle against the fabric of his pants. Too quiet.

“What was it this time?” His voice comes out shaky, and the tips of his fingers press harder against the counter. He doesn’t want to sound rattled, to sound like Felix showing up at his door looking like  _ that _ still has such an effect on him. Like Felix  _ himself  _ has such an effect on him. 

For a moment, Felix says nothing. Then: “Opened the door into my face. It was dark,” he murmurs. 

Instantly, the room feels darker, the marble colder against Hyunjin’s bare skin. He wants to slam his hand down in frustration, but he stays still as a frightened animal. Quiet as a ghost in his own home.

“Which one?” He finally looks up to meet Felix’s gaze head on. 

Felix glances away - down to the red speckled plate - before looking at Hyunjin again. “David.”

Hyunjin wants to kick the wooden cupboard door at his shins until it breaks. He takes a breath, doesn’t move. He pictures David’s face and wants to scream. The chain around his neck trembles, the cross at the bottom clinking softly against it, and Hyunjin realizes he’s shaking. He pushes away from the counter, turns away from Felix, opens the medicine cabinet. 

When he turns back with the first aid kit in his hand, Felix has moved, whisper-quiet, around the island to sit on the barstool Hyunjin has forgone. Hyunjin’s breath hitches at how much closer Felix’d gotten while his back was turned. He tamps down the feeling rising up from his stomach and burning in his chest, and walks slowly towards the island again. 

Felix’s hands are on his knees when Hyunjin comes to a halt just in front of him, and if Hyunjin sees them clench against the black cotton, he pretends not to. The first aid kit makes a small clacking sound when Hyunjin places it on the countertop, a soft clicking when he pops it open. Again, it’s the only noise in the room louder than Felix and Hyunjin’s breathing.

“This’ll-”

“-Sting,” Felix says before Hyunjin can, “I know.”

Hyunjin frowns, but doesn’t delay in pulling a disinfectant wipe from its packaging. “I know you know,” he says, lifting the wipe to Felix’s cheek and pressing gently against the red skin there.

Felix’s brows twitch, and it’s the only sign that he feels the bite. “You warn me every time. It’s never as bad as the first hit.”

Hyunjin’s fingers still long enough for him to feel the warmth of Felix’s skin even through the damp wipe. “Please don’t say that,” he whispers, gaze trained just to the right of Felix’s eyes.

Felix’s lips part as if he’s about to respond. Hyunjin wonders what he’ll say.  _ But it’s true.  _ Or  _ you can’t hide from it forever.  _ Maybe even  _ I’m sorry.  _ He wonders and fears. But Felix’s lips press together again and he says nothing. 

Hyunjin returns to work, to soft brushes against Felix’s cheekbone and around his eyes. (So bright in the sunshine, so dark now, in the shadow of night.) Red smears and wipes away until all that’s left is the pale gold of his skin, marred by hues of purple and blue. 

Felix’s breaths come long and slow all the while, sharp contrast to Hyunjin’s short, unsteady ones. Hyunjin knows they can both hear it, but not a word of it slips past either of their lips. These nights are safer in silence, Hyunjin thinks, and somehow, Felix knows this.

Hyunjin replaces the disinfectant wipes with a soothing ointment, and he warms it between his fingers before smoothing it across Felix’s soft skin. Felix shivers nonetheless. Soon, there’s nothing to do but step back and return the first aid kit to the cabinet where it belongs, nothing to keep Hyunjin close to Felix anymore. 

An arm’s reach away, the details of Felix’s face are harder to make out, but Hyunijn has no reason to step closer, so he hovers where he is, not quite close enough to touch. “You could always walk home a different way. There are other ways to get here from the store.” Hyunjin tries to keep his voice steady, even. He’s not sure he succeeds. 

Felix’s eyes spark like they’ve been hit by direct sunlight. “I’m not the problem,” he says, as sure as the air he breathes. “I’m not the one who needs to change.” The last word packs a punch that Hyunjin feels in his gut. He knows Felix isn’t just talking about his route home from work.

“I didn’t mean…” Hyunjin looks away from the fire in Felix’s eyes. “It would be  _ safer _ .”

“Maybe,” Felix says. “But they’d figure out eventually, and then I’d have broken for them for nothing.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be safe?” Hyunjin’s eyes drift back to Felix, like they always do. “Isn’t it worth it, if you don’t get hurt?”

Felix doesn’t even blink, “I’d rather be me. It’s not worth changing,  _ hiding, _ ” he gives Hyunjin a loaded look, “I’ll live.”

Hyunjin swallows and looks away again. When he doesn’t speak, Felix lets out a small breath and stands up from the bar stool. “I’ll let myself out,” he mutters. “Thank you.”

He leaves just like that, soft footsteps off-beat from the ticking of the grandfather clock, the loud click of the door sealing behind him as he walks out onto the front steps. Hyunjin waits until he’s sure Felix has made it across the lawn and to his own home, then clears Felix’s plate from the table, walks down the hall, locks the door, and retreats to his bedroom. 

When sleep comes to him, it is fitful.

_ They run into each other at the weekend market in the center of town.  _

_ Hyunjin is eyeing the bread stand, wondering how much he can spend on the chocolate pastries he likes, when he thinks he catches a flash of a familiar face bobbing in and out of the stalls around him. Hyunjin’s first instinct is to wave, call out, but he tamps it down; he’s not even sure if that was Felix. So he buys his bread and carries on like nothing has happened. _

_ Two stalls down he nearly falls headfirst into a crate of strawberries in his attempts to avoid crushing two little kids dashing around his legs. At the last moment, he twists and knocks into a person instead.  _

_ There’s already an apology on his lips when he looks up and realizes he knows those brown eyes, sparkling in the sun. “Felix,” he says, winded.  _

_ Felix smiles, and his face is clear, nothing but smooth golden skin and those eyes. Felix is full of light and he shines in the sun. “Hi, Hyunjin.” He says Hyunjin’s name and he shines because he  _ is  _ the sun.  _

_ In the light of day, they’re safe. They’re friends. Hyunjin forgets anything more than this, and he walks with Felix, talks, laughs, shares lunch. There are enough people around that they’re just part of the crowd, moving with the ebb and flow of the market. It’s easy for Hyunjin to pretend he’s never seen pain painted across Felix’s face when he smiles like he’s made of nothing but warm air and the feeling of summer. _

_ The day is straw spun golden by the sun, and Hyunjin adores it. _

Felix shows up again with a split lip. Hyunjin’s starting to lose count of how many times he’s done this - knocked on the front door and turned those dark, dark eyes on him, letting his injuries speak for themselves. 

Hyunjin hates it when he does this, hates it more when he  _ doesn’t _ . 

And he doesn’t hate  _ Felix _ , God knows he could never. It’s just terrifying; he never knows when Felix might knock, never knows what state Felix will be in when he opens the door. All he wants is for Felix to be okay, but Felix is stubborn and brave and refuses to back down, and the worst part is Hyunjin  _ knows  _ Felix isn’t the problem, but he still asks him to change. Fear makes him dizzy, and he’s not strong enough to face the truth in Felix’s eyes.

He thinks Felix knows.

“I tripped,” Felix says before Hyunjin can ask. “They’re getting really creative.”

Hyunjin’s lips tug into a frown and he turns away from the night flooding the sky beyond the door, ushering Felix in after him. Instead of food, Hyunjin goes right for the med kit. His skin feels all too cold, and yet burning hot at the same time when he thinks of Felix’s lips cut through with blood. That’s not what they’re supposed to look like. 

That’s not where Hyunjin’s supposed to look.

Pushing the thoughts from his head, Hyunjin wets a cotton ball with peroxide and steps closer to catch Felix’s jaw in his careful fingers. He’s stopped warning Felix about the sting; Felix knows it’s coming. (He flinches anyway.)

Hyunjin’s fingers ghost against Felix’s skin, the cotton soaking up what little blood still trickles from the cut and cleaning the tender skin of and around his lips. Hyunjin wets a second cotton ball with water to wash away the peroxide so Felix doesn’t accidentally ingest any, and Felix breathes out through his nose. Hyunjin pulls his hand away and turns, trying to steady the beat of his heart by trashing everything he’s dirtied before turning back to Felix. 

Red lips, swollen, parted. Hyunjin can’t do this. He looks away seconds after facing Felix again. 

“I can do it,” Felix says softly, drawing Hyunjin’s gaze back to him. There’s nothing in his eyes but a silent understanding, and Hyunjin could sob from both gratitude and fear that Felix can read him so easily. Instead, he takes a breath, and forces himself to be reasonable. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. His hands fall into familiar motions, reaching into the med kit and pulling the ointment out from it. Unscrewing the cap is as familiar as twisting the top off his toothpaste, rubbing the cool gel between his fingers is no different than massaging moisturiser into his own skin. He takes a breath, and Felix tilts his head back without any instruction. 

Gingerly, like one of them might break if he presses too hard, Hyunjin applies the balm to Felix’s lips and skin everywhere he deems fit. It turns Felix’s lips glossy, makes his skin shine under the bright kitchen lights. It makes Hyunjin ache all over, makes something burn in his chest, makes him want to cry. 

Instead of crying, Hyunjin pulls away. He re-seals the tube of ointment and wipes the excess on his fingers off on his palm. He doesn’t look at Felix’s lips again.

Eventually, Felix breaks the silence with a quiet  _ thank you _ .

Hyunjin nods, eyes still locked on the countertop. Only when Felix shifts like he’s going to leave does Hyunjin find it in himself to move. It’s more panic than reason, but as soon as Felix’s feet hit the ground, Hyunjin can’t stop himself from turning back to freckled cheeks and rumpled hair. “Felix,” he says, voice laced with the same anxious energy that thrums under his skin.

Felix freezes at the call of his name, but Hyunjin doesn’t know what he was going to say. He’s not sure he even planned to speak. 

“Hyunjin?” Felix asks tentatively. 

The sound of his name on Felix’s tongue does something to Hyunjin - sends a little crack running through the cage keeping the flames in his chest from spreading, and a lick of fire escapes to burn through him. The heat races up to burn at the backs of his eyes, and he realizes with a jolt that he’s close to tears. 

Not sure what else to do, Hyunjin wraps his arms around Felix and hugs him as tight as he dares. Felix startles, then falls into it easily. His hands settle on the middle of Hyunjin’s back and he keeps his hold loose enough that Hyunjn can pull away as quickly as he wants. (He knows Hyunjin too well.) 

For a long moment, all Hyunjin knows is that his head is tucked against Felix’s, his eyes squeezed shut to keep the tears at bay. He knows that Felix is warm.

And then he pulls away, because his parents are gone and they only left him alone for the summer because they trust him, because he’s  _ good  _ and he follows rules and he knows what not to do. 

He’s not supposed to feel how warm Felix is. 

So he pulls back and stumbles away from Felix, and refuses to meet Felix’s eyes when he says goodnight to him, effectively pushing him out of the house. 

Felix’s soft breath sounds impossibly loud in the silence of the house. “Goodnight,” he says, so gentle Hyunjin wants to cry again. 

And then Felix is gone.

Hyunjin’s dreams are ones he’s grateful to forget when morning comes. 

_ A Sunday in mid July, Felix walks into the worship hall and sits in Hyunjin’s usual pew instead of his own regular spot near the entryway. Hyunjin is just a minute later, and he slows when he sees Felix occupying the space where he’s used to sitting alone. There’s a small, frightened bird flitting around inside of him, calling for a new seat, somewhere farther from Felix. But Hyunjin is a creature of habit, and though he may not be as stubborn as Felix, there is as much ram in him as there is flighty sparrow.  _

_ He walks right to his pew and slides in. There are at least four bodies worth of space between them, but they are together, the same deep red cushion covering their seats, the same white-painted wood surrounding them.  _

_ The little sparrow caged within Hyunjin’s ribs flutters nervously, sings of burning eyes and whispered lies, but Hyunjin sits and listens to the sermon and does his best to ignore the flighty creature. He does not dare think it odd that the pastor preaches of love and kindness and forgiveness to a room filled with people who’ve never even dreamed of such things. He doesn’t dare think about Felix, sitting just out of reach.  _

_ So maybe there is more sparrow in him after all. _

_ After the service is over, Felix stands, and Hyunjin stands as well. He clears out of the row so Felix doesn’t have to push past him, and he watches Felix walk right out of the room with nothing more than a nod Hyunjin’s way. He knows Felix is down the stairs and out of the building in less than a minute.  _

_ Hyunjin lingers for the food brought out after the service, and to exchange pleasantries with all the older folks he’s sure will be reporting to his parents when they arrive home at summer’s end. Then he’s out the door with the wind under his wings. _

Hyunjin is in the shower when the doorbell rings. Even dulled by the closed door and the stream of water, the sound shrieks through his body and all he can do is slam the conditioner back down into the shower caddy, shake his head quickly under the stream of water before switching it off, and grab his towel from the hook on the wall. There’s only one person it could be at this time of night, and Hyunjin hates the thought of leaving Felix waiting on his doorstep infinitely more than a half-finished shower. 

Hyunjin’s hair is still heavy with the smell of coconut as the remnants of his conditioner slip smooth as silk down his neck and his back. He towels down enough to pull on shorts and a thin tank, and rushes down the stairs to yank the door open. 

He’s already out of breath, but the sight of Felix with blood all over his face is like a punch to the gut, makes Hyunijn’s chest heave. “Sorry,” he gasps at Felix’s red face, “I was showering.” 

Felix just shrugs, like this is no big deal, and ducks under Hyunjin’s arm to slip into his house. Hyunjin closes the door and follows after him, reaching and overtaking him easily. 

“You should sit.” Hyunjin directs him to the barstool even though he knows Felix knows where to sit - they’ve done this enough times, after all. 

Felix says nothing as Hyunjin fumbles the first aid kit out of the medicine cabinet, as Hyunjin opens it and stares at the small wipes and cotton pads and decides he needs a washcloth this time instead. Felix is silent until Hyunjin has fished a cloth out of a drawer and dampened it with warm water from the tap. 

“It’s not-”

Hyunjin shushes him before he can say another word. “If you’re about to say it’s not as bad as it looks I’ll hit you again and  _ make  _ it that bad.” His voice shakes something frightful as he speaks despite his efforts to remain calm, and that seems to shut Felix up more than the empty threat. 

So it is to the sound of trembling breaths and the incessant ticking of the clock down the hall that Hyunjin’s shaking fingers cradle Felix’s jaw as he dabs gently at the blood staining Felix’s skin. One wipe, and Hyunjin finds that most of the blood is dried, and relief drips down his throat to settle the anxious writhing of his stomach. Another wipe reveals that the blood came from Felix’s nose, and a second drop of relief swims alongside the first as Hyunjin’s eyes flick up and he doesn’t find any clear damage to Felix’s pretty fairy nose. 

Hyunjin’s racing heart steadies as he works, carefully cleaning the blood from Felix’s face to reveal that it did in fact look worse than it was. A pang of guilt for silencing Felix strikes through him, but when he meets Felix’s eyes there’s not a trace of bitterness in them. 

He thinks Felix may be the only person who looks at him like that.

Soon the washcloth can soak up no more blood, and Hyunjin rinses and wrings it out in the sink, before running the cloth one last time across Felix’s star-speckled nose and cheeks, across his rosy lips and his chin. When the cloth has done all it can, Hyunjin abandons it in the sink and turns to his trusted disinfectant wipes. 

“I was lucky it bled so much,” Felix says just before Hyunjin can press the wipe to his cupid’s bow. 

Hyunjin furrows his brows, afraid Felix is making up nonsense to keep him from worrying. But Felix never lies.

“They got spooked by the blood - thought maybe they broke something. And they’re cowards, so they backed off and ran pretty quick. Was the fastest they’ve ever left me alone.”

Hyunjin frowns despite the fact that Felix has framed this as good news. “Felix…” he sighs, unsure of what to say. He knows nothing he tells Felix will get him to stop, to change, so he purses his lips and lets it go. “I’m just glad it wasn’t worse.”

Felix nods wordlessly and Hyunjin returns to the task at hand. 

The disinfectant wipe kisses Felix’s soft skin, and his lips twitch at the initial sting before he relaxes into the familiar motion of Hyunjin gingerly cleaning red stains from his face. Hyunjin’s hands are as careful as the rest of him, and he never presses hard enough to agitate, to hurt, to worsen that damage that has already been done. Though his touch is fleeting, his care is a cool breeze after the burning heat of fists, his voice like cotton wool - achingly soft after the harshness of shouts and sneers. When he says nothing, the tight furrow of his brow and the tense line of his lips speak for him in the silence.

When Felix’s skin is clean and the slow trickling of blood has tapered off, Hyunjin pulls back and clears his supplies, habit taking over his body as his mind wanders. The medicine cabinet closes with a thunk of wood and the light tinkle of glass, and Hyunjin turns back to Felix. 

How long can he keep this up? How long will Felix’s body last before the boys start doing real,  _ lasting  _ damage? How close had he been to that tonight? What happens when the line  _ is  _ crossed? It makes Hyunjin’s head hurt, worrying like this, but what else can he do? Felix has never said it outright, but Hyunjin can tell he doesn’t ever fight back, and this makes something in Hyunjin’s chest - something delicate and precious - shatter. 

For all his stubbornness and anger, Felix still believes in goodness, is as gentle at heart as Hyunjin. For all that the world batters him, he raises an arm only to lessen the blows, never to attack or hurt anyone in the same way. It keeps Hyunjin awake at night, brings heat to the backs of his eyes here and now as he watches Felix watch him. 

There’s so much he wants to say, but Felix’s skin is still pink and raw and his eyes seem to look right through Hyunjin and into his head and heart, and Hyunjin can’t seem to find the right words. He ducks his head and twists his fingers together. Water drips down his hair and a droplet lands just below Hyunjin’s eye, like gravity has painted him with the tears he refuses to shed. 

“Take care of yourself,” Hyunjin says when the silence drags on too long. His voice comes out quiet, barely audible, but Felix nods regardless. 

When Felix stands and turns to leave, Hyunjin does not follow. He holds still, watches Felix’s retreating back, and wonders how many times he’ll have to live this same scene over again before something finally gives. 

Long after Felix is gone, he still wonders.

_ The last Sunday of July, Felix arrives at the church just after Hyunjin. There’s still a shadow of his last bruise peeking out from under his hair, which has grown long and rumpled in the summer heat. Hyunjin notices him out of the corner of his eye, twists just enough to watch him walk right past his usual seat.  _

_ As soon as Hyunjin realizes what this means, his eyes snap back to the front of the room. A moment later, Felix slides into the pew next to him. Hyunjin tenses, because Felix is closer than he was last time he did this and so the sparrow perching on Hyunjin’s ribs cries louder than ever. _

_ But then something strange: the elderly woman sitting on his other side smiles - all crooked and yellow-toothed - and asks him if Felix would like a hymn guide because there doesn’t seem to be one at the far end of the pew where he sits. Hyunjin nods numbly, and she passes him her copy.  _

_ “I know all the songs in here by now,” she says, still smiling.  _

_ Hyunjin nods again, thanks her in a quiet voice, and turns to face Felix to pass the guide along to him. Felix is already looking at him, a strange glimmer in his eyes. Hyunjin finds that he doesn’t try to stop their fingers from brushing as he hands the guide off to Felix. _

_ A low thanks comes from Felix’s lips - the split in them has healed! - and then the first notes sing from the organ to signal the start of the program. Hyunjin sits back, faces the front, and feels his shoulders droop down, no longer tensed and pulled in towards his ears. The sparrow grows quiet, drowned out by the choir, and Hyunjin can almost forget it’s there altogether.  _

_ When the sermon starts, Hyunjin is almost smiling. He believes more than ever in what the pastor says to the congregation. He believes. He loves. _

The church youth group meets weekly, outside of service hours. Over the summer there are more people than during the school year, and among these seasonal attendees, is a group of boys Hyunjin does his best to avoid. It’s not that they’ve ever done anything to him, but he’s grown up in this town with them and he knows how they think, hears what they say, has seen what they do to other people. 

What they do to Felix. 

Hyunjin does his best to avoid the group of boys that seem to have read the bible backwards and don’t understand a single thing about tolerance and forgiveness. About love. Hyunjin sticks to the other side of the room and leaves with a kind girl named Yerim who lives a street over from him. Hyunjin never speaks to them, never gives them a reason to bother him. 

Hyunjin has never done anything to them, but they don’t seem to care. 

Their meeting ends just in time to head home and make dinner - before the sun sets, but after it has dipped low enough to cast long, hanging shadows across the town - just like every other. It’s no different from any of their other meeting, save two things: Yerim is out for the week vacationing with her family, and Hyunjin is unable to slip past the group of self-righteous boys unnoticed.

“Hwang!” One of the boys calls before Hyunjin can disappear in the small crowd filing out of the building. He turns in spite of himself and finds that the owner of the voice is David. An unbidden image of Felix’s bruised face blurs Hyunjin’s vision for a moment, and he stumbles a bit as he tries to keep moving towards the exit. 

“It’s not mannerly to walk away from someone when they’re speaking to you.” It’s one of the other boys that speaks this time, but Hyunjin sees the familiar red of blood in his eyes again. Though his nerves sing for him to keep pushing forward and away from the boys, he doesn’t want to make them mad. Anger too often makes men think they can do anything they want.

Hyunjin’s legs lock where he stands - the only thing he can do to keep himself from making a break for the door. “Can I help you?” He turns to address David directly when he speaks, and he can see triumph flash across the other boy’s face. The sight makes something heavy and bitter settle in his gut.

“I just want to chat for a minute,” David says, walking leisurely towards Hyunjin. The group swarms him like bees turned sluggish in the summer heat.

Hyunjin wonders if this is how they approach Felix on his way home from work. But then they are emboldened by the night, by the anonymity of an empty, poorly lit street, by the terrible certainty that the boy they’re targeting is deserving of their hate. 

They know no such twisted truth of Hyunjin, and they’re in a building of learning, of worship. They wouldn’t dare touch him here. These small assurances keep Hyunjin’s hands from trembling as David comes to a stop in front of him.

By now the rest of the students have all filed out of the building and are on their way home, cutting through the fading heat and humidity and basking in the sunset. Hyunjin can see none of the brilliant oranges and reds painting the sky, as the boys have trapped him in a windowless hallway. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Hyunjin asks, trying to keep his voice calm, steady. “Today’s meeting?”

David laughs in Hyunjin’s face, shakes his head. “I guess I misspoke.  _ I’ll  _ do the talking. You just sit pretty and listen.” 

One of the other boys snickers at this, like it’s the funniest thing he’s heard all day. Of course they’d all find it terribly amusing that Hyunjin dresses himself with respect, takes care of his skin and his hair. Of course they think it’s a riot that he’s pretty as a peach, isn’t content to walk around looking like a half-drowned sewer rat.

Hyunjin swallows, hopes it’s not too visible, and nods for David to continue. 

“I’ve been hearing some interesting things lately, Hwang.” He inclines his head in a way that makes it feel like he’s looking down at Hyunjin, even though they’re the same height. “Do you have any idea what they could be?” 

Hyunjin shakes his head, stays silent. He knows he won’t like what David has to say even before he says it; he can tell from the mean glint in the other boy’s eyes. 

“Well,” David starts, and he’s a shark, smiling with too many teeth, “I hear that our mutual friend has been getting even  _ friendlier  _ with you lately. Apparently he rendezvous at your house after every visit we pay him?”

Hyunjin swallows again, and this time it’s pointless to hope they don’t see.

“Aren’t your parents gone this summer, Hwang? I can’t help but wonder what the two of you could possibly get up to in that big,  _ empty  _ house of yours at night.”

Hyunjin’s chest tightens with panic. “It’s not-”

“I’m not done,” David tuts, eyes flashing with a warning. “Of course what you do at home is your own business, and I’m sure I’d rather not know. But you don’t just meet at odd hours of the night, do you?” His voice turns icy, burns cold as snow in the middle of summer. “It’s not  _ enough  _ to hide behind your closed curtains,  _ is it?  _ You had to bring it  _ here _ , force  _ everyone  _ to see it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hyunjin whispers. It’s the first time he’s lied under this roof. 

“You know  _ exactly  _ what I’m talking about.” 

“Should’ve  _ known  _ you we’re just like him,” one of the other boys hisses. Hyunjin’s vision blurs and turns blue with fear and can’t even see who it is that speaks.

“I’m,” his tongue stumbles over the words trying to form in his mouth, can’t seem to push them out to defend himself. Why can’t he tell them they’re wrong? “No no  _ no _ ,” he whispers again and again. He takes a halting step backwards and David takes two towards him.

“You’re disgusting,” someone spits at him. 

_ Disgusting _ . 

The word echoes through more than one mouth, makes itself at home in Hyunjin’s mind.

Hyunjin shakes his head desperately, but it’s still not enough. 

“You can keep pretending,” David says, low and dangerous, “but we all know the truth. You can’t fool anyone with your perfect, faithful student act anymore. You shouldn’t be allowed to set foot in this building. You and that  _ friend  _ of yours… you should be ashamed to ever have shown your faces here. You tarnish it. And  _ us _ , just having to  _ look  _ at you.” 

This seems to be a queue for the rest of the boys, as they all begin to move towards the exit, David trailing after them, delaying only to fix Hyunjin with a bone-chilling grin and murmur, “we’ll be waiting for you outside.”

In the blink of an eye Hyunjin is left standing alone in the small, artificially lit hallway, feeling like the already tight walls are closing in on him. As he reaches for the handrail to keep himself upright, he realizes he’s shaking all over, vision blurred so that the wooden floors under him appear as soft as the carpets in the childrens’ playroom.

He manages a handful of unsteady steps to get himself out of the hallway and into the entry room, and then his legs give out. Hyunjin crumples to the floor in a pile of trembling limbs. 

There’s a single window near the door that has just clicked shut behind the last of the boys, but he can barely see the color of the sky hanging beyond it through the haze of tears in his eyes. They burn hot and lick down his cheeks like flames, and if Hyunjin could breathe, he thinks he’d be screaming. 

It feels like a divine punishment, and that alone fans the flames until Hyunjin feels like he’s burning up from the inside out. Until he’s terrified that this is happening because it’s what he  _ deserves _ . But Hyunjin clenches his hands in the fabric of his shirt and does his best to choke down a sob. The cross hanging from his neck burns his skin, burns right through him. He doesn’t deserve this, he  _ doesn’t _ . 

Through the pain and the fear clouding his eyes and his heart, Hyunjin comes to realize what’s waiting for him. The youth group boys won’t lay a finger on him here, under this roof, but the second he walks out the door, there will be nothing barring them from hurting him. Once he’s left the sanctuary, he’s a free target. 

_ Just like Felix _ . 

Felix.

Hyunjin chokes down another sob, and before he knows what he’s doing, his phone is out of his pocket and he’s fumbling blindly for one specific contact, fingers numb as he finds what he’s looking for and presses on it before he can think better of it. 

A dull ringing sounds in his ears, and it hits him a moment too late how selfish he’s being. Regret floods through him like cold rain and he tries to end the call as quickly as he’d started it, but it’s too late; the ringing cuts out abruptly and is replaced by a familiar voice.

“Hyunjin?” 

All Felix has to say is his name for Hyunjin to shatter like glass knocked from a high shelf. A sob tears through him before he can stifle it, and the sound rings cleanly through the phone. 

“Hyunjin!” Felix’s voice turns urgent in an instant. “Hyunjin, what’s wrong?” 

Hyunjin tries to say something,  _ anything _ , but his lips are salty and his tongue burns from it, and he can’t figure out how to speak around it. 

“Hyunjin, where are you?” In the brief moments between every shaking, rattling breath Hyunjin takes, he can hear the sound of Felix already moving on the other end of the line. 

“ _ Hyunjin _ !” Felix says again, fear laced through each syllable. 

“Church,” Hyunjin manages to cry before folding in on himself and burying another sob. He squeezes his eyes shut, but the tears won’t stop. 

“I’m coming,” Felix rushes out, “I’m gonna come get you, okay? Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin manages a muffled sound of confirmation, feels warm for a moment at the thought of Felix on the way, feels like the first peak of sun cutting through the darkness of night. Then dread crashes over him, ice cold and inky black. He’s leading Felix right into the hands of the other boys. Right into the punishment he’s too weak to take himself. 

“Wait,” he tries to choke out, but it’s lost in the heave of his chest, and the shake of his voice renders it unrecognizable. 

“Just breathe,” Felix says, sounding strained through the phone, “I’ll be there soon. Just stay on the line with me. It’s gonna be okay.”

_ It’s not! _ Hyunjin wants to scream, but crushed by the weight of his terror, it takes all he has to simply breathe.

An eternity seems to pass. Hyunjin’s cries quiet until he can hear the sound of his own heartbeat pounding in his chest and Felix breathing heavily through the phone. The overhead lights - run by motion sensors - click off at some point to let Hyunjin know he’s been motionless on the ground long enough for them to ignore his presence. He dares to hope this means enough time has passed that the boys outside have grown restless and bored and left for home. 

Just a few minutes more and he learns this hope was futile, though. 

“What the hell are  _ you  _ doing here?” 

Hyunjin winces as the shout carries through the closed door, and the silent tears on his cheeks grow hotter, seem to fall faster. He hears Felix curse distantly through the phone, and then there’s loud static like he’s shoved the device in his pocket. 

The rest of the conversation is muffled and scattered. Hyunjin only picks up short pieces. 

“You come here to-” 

“-I don’t-” Felix’s voice is the easiest to identify, but even he fades in and out. There’s a loud scuffle in which Hyunjin can’t make out anything, and then,  _ “but if you ever touch him, I  _ will.”

Hyunjin’s breath is caught in his throat, right next to his heart. When the door pushes open, he tenses, shrinks in on himself, becoming impossibly smaller in case the arguing outside has chased any semblance of reason from the youth group boys and prompted come after him inside. 

But light almost purple from the sunset spills through the door and illuminates a familiar figure, and Hyunjin turns liquid with relief. 

Felix. He’s here. He’s  _ okay _ . 

“Hyunjin!” Felix is across the floor in an instant, kneeling beside Hyunjin, close but not touching. The overhead lights sputter back to life to illuminate Felix’s eyes, wide and filled with worry, with something Hyunjin can’t place through the blur of tears now fresh in his lashes - burning with relief instead of fear.

“Hyunijn,” Felix says again, “what happened? Did they hurt you?”

The death grip Hyunjin has on his knees loosens and he shakes his head. It’s not a lie if Felix is asking about physical pain.

“You’re crying,” Felix murmurs. His lips pull down at the corners, his eyes shine. His arm moves like he’s going to reach out and touch, but he hesitates, draws back at the last moment. 

It’s the smallest shift, barely a twitch, but it shatters something delicate in Hyunjin. His already strained self control snaps and the last of his exterior crumbles; he stops holding himself together and lets his hands fly to Felix like he’s made of magnets. He finds the soft skin of Felix’s bare arms and feels the warmth radiating off of him, and fresh tears well up in Hyunjin’s eyes.

Felix’s lips part in silent shock at the touch. Hyunjin knows why, and it makes the pressure in his chest unbearable. He can barely breathe against the weight bearing down on his lungs, but the dam is broken and he spills like a flood of still water finally set free. Fluid and weighted by gravity, Hyunjin tips forward and falls to Felix.

Felix catches Hyunjin with trembling arms, but he holds Hyunjin just as tight as Hyunjin holds him. “Hey, you’ve got me,” Felix murmurs, lips near Hyunjin’s forehead, “I’ve got you.”

Hyunjin lets out a shaky breath, nods because he can’t find words. Felix doesn’t push him to say anything, understands that words aren’t what Hyunjin needs right now. Felix lets the moment hang heavy in the air, lets Hyunjin breathe and hold onto him and calm still-leaking tears, and in between one hot blink and the next, something comes into focus before Hyunjin. 

It’s nothing tangible, nothing he can truly  _ see _ , but it’s like light unfurling and glowing right there in the space where his knees are pressed against Felix’s. The light is not just Felix, no matter how many times Hyunjin has thought that he gleamed in the dark as well as in the sun, and the light is not just Hyunjin himself - not that he’s ever thought he could be something that shines. 

The light is just there, where they touch, where Felix understands Hyunjin and Hyunjin seems to understand himself better for it, like Felix’s unwavering acceptance has fanned a small spark of bravery within Hyunjin and helped him finally see what he had been too scared to look at before. Hyunjin sees them, illuminated by this soft light. He sees himself. All of himself. 

It’s freeing.

It’s terrifying.

Tears come again, but now they bring a different kind of burn than before. He didn’t know it was possible to cry for so many reasons, thinks that maybe he’s just never been broken down enough before to learn. 

Hyunjin looks to Felix, blurry as he is, and wonders how it’s possible for him to live his truth and remain as steadfast as the earth. Hyunjin looks back to their brushing knees, down further so all he sees is his own wrinkled t-shirt, and thinks if Felix is the earth, he must be the sea: caught between the shore and the horizon, between safety and the unknown (where he is and where he belongs). Always shifting and never steady. 

“Let’s leave,” Hyunjin says shakily. He doesn’t want to be within these walls any longer. Not right now. He knows he’ll be  _ seen  _ no matter where he goes, but at least in his own home he won’t bring greater disgrace to this house.

Felix doesn’t question Hyunjin, just nods silently and stands, helps pull Hyunjin to shaky feet. “They’re still out there,” he says, voice hushed. 

Hyunjin tries not to be surprised. Those boys are blessed in so few ways, but if they’re anything other than misguided and cruel, it must be patient. Hyunjin isn’t sure how long that patience will stretch, but it doesn’t matter. He’s leaving now. 

Before he can turn towards the door though, Felix tightens his grip on Hyunjin’s arm. “Let’s go out the back exit.”

“Won’t that trip the alarm?” Hyunjin asks, though he doesn’t fight Felix’s gentle tugging in the other direction.

“I don’t know,” Felix admits, “but honestly I don’t think setting it off will be the end of the world. Besides, unless those guys want to explain to Pastor Kim exactly why they were here late enough to know we’re the ones who tripped it, there’s no one to point fingers at us. And even if they did, I’m pretty sure this isn’t something Pastor Kim could hold against us. It’s an inconvenience at worst.” 

While Felix talks, he leads the way across the floor, down the hall and through a meeting room, before they finally clear one last hall and arrive at their destination. The door has  _ Emergency Exit  _ painted across the middle in blocky black letters, and Felix barely bats an eye before pushing it open. 

Hyunjin’s breath catches in his throat as he waits for some kind of alarm to start ringing, but the building is silent. All he hears is the sound of the breeze rustling through trees and chittering birds. He breathes out. A step forward and he lets the door fall shut behind him.

He almost thinks they’re in the clear. But it could never be that easy, could it? 

As they round the church from the back and head for the street that will lead them home, they become visible to the gang of boys still hovering like vultures around the main door.

“Hey!” One of them shouts when he notices Hyunjin and Felix trying to slip by. 

Like dominos falling, every single head turns to lock on their retreating figures. Hyunjin shrinks into Felix’s side as David steps to the front of the pack of wolves and glares at him like he’s trying to curdle milk and make children cry. 

“Fucking coward!” Someone shouts from behind David. Felix’s grip on Hyunjin’s hand tightens and he picks up the pace ever so slightly.

David just continues to glower at Hyunjin, a warning in his pale eyes that Hyunjin can see even from a distance. His face is stained red by the setting sun, ivory skin appearing streaked with blood, and as Hyunjin stares wide-eyed back at him, the lighting changes, and David falls into shadow as the sun sinks lower, beckoning in the night. A harsh shiver runs up Hyunjin’s spine despite the warm air. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll see you again, Hwang!” David’s call rings in the air, a terrifying promise. 

“You better watch your back!” Someone snears. 

And then, carried by the breeze, David’s voice reaches Hyunjin one last time. He’s shouted just a single word at Hyunjin’s back, but it carries an impossible weight. 

Hyunjin can’t bear it.

He sags against Felix, crushed and crumbling, and finds himself grateful for the looming nightfall. There is, he supposes, at least enough kindness in the world for him to fall apart under the forgiving veil of twilight slipping into dusk. 

Felix holds Hyunjin tighter, bears his extra weight, and presses forward. He speaks no ill of Hyunjin for his tears, even as they grow dangerously close to sobs once more. Even as Hyunjin can barely breathe through his constricting throat, can no longer hear the nightbirds sing over the echoes of David’s voice in his head, can no longer think himself anything but terrible, pathetic, Felix stands steady at his side. 

Hyunjin trips and sways and stumbles and it feels like the world is disappearing around him as shadows hide the familiar sights from view, and yet Felix is unwavering, solid, warm against the chill that now rides in with the night.

Suddenly, before Hyunjin has even registered that they’re on their street, they’re home. 

The exterior of Hyunjin’s house is blurry in front of him - another familiarity on the verge of being stolen - but as he reaches for the door, the small dent in the knob is just as he remembers it. He opens the door without having to produce his key, and realizes he’d forgotten to lock it on the way out earlier. 

Unexpectedly, this terrifies him. They live in a small town, on a safe street; crime here is practically non-existent. There’s nothing to worry about, but Hyunjin’s wits are too frayed now to listen to logic. 

All he knows is he left his home open and vulnerable, that anyone could have walked right in and seen everything, every inch. Anything not meant for outside eyes could have been exposed just like that, just because Hyunjin was careless. Even if he was only out for an hour or two, that would still be enough,  _ more  _ than enough.

And then, even more terrifying, he realizes he has done this before. He did this not with his home, but with  _ himself _ . There must have been times he was too comfortable, let too much slip through the cracks. Even if it was only for a few minutes… it was enough. David, those boys, they saw all they needed to. 

And now they know, and it’s too late. Hyunjin can’t close the door and lock it behind himself because they’ve already seen, they already know what’s inside. Hyunjin can’t hide.

“Hyunjin,” Felix says gently.

He comes back to himself. The door is open in front of him, but he hasn’t moved from the front step. Felix is still standing at his side, holding him like now that Hyunjin has allowed (asked for) the touch, he’s scared to let him go again. 

Felix’s voice spurs Hyunjin on, and he finds the strength to step forward. Into the threshold, Hyunjin feels for the lightswitch on the wall. By now the sun has fully set, and the house is swallowed by darkness until the entryway light clicks to life. 

On Hyunjin’s other side, Felix has pushed the door closed behind them, quietly turned the lock to keep out the night. From here, Hyunjin moves on autopilot. 

Up the stairs that creak in the middle, down the short hall to the half-open door to his room, Hyunjin feels like a wandering ghost, just burning eyes and aching body, barely even there. Then it hits him all at once as he realizes Felix is still by his side, about to set foot in his bedroom. 

Hyunjin has never brought him this far before - he’s always been too terrified of what it would mean, what Felix would see if Hyunjin didn’t try to hold him at arm’s length. What Hyunjin would see in himself.

He’d always knows Felix wasn’t a boy he could just invite into his bedroom, not because of who Felix was, but because of who  _ he  _ was. He’d always thought, always  _ told  _ himself it just wasn’t right. It just wasn’t something he could ever do, could ever want, ever  _ have _ . 

He’s always been afraid. 

But now the door whines as he pushes it all the way open and Felix’s feet touch the carpet as he follows Hyunjin into the room, and, turning on his overhead to bathe the room in light, Hyunjin doesn’t know if he was right or wrong about this, but he knows that he’s  _ still  _ afraid. 

Fear cripples him. 

This time when Hyunjin crumbles, Felix can no longer hold him upright. Hyunjin collapses in on himself, a lone, lost star, dying in the vast reaches of space. He falls to his knees and then to his hands, and he lets the weight of everything hold him down. His forehead presses against the carpet and each woven bit leaves its own indent in his skin. 

As he’d fallen, he'd yanked his hand out of Felix's grasp. His fingers sting now, his palm feels cold, and worst of all- Felix seems once more uncertain of whether he's allowed to initiate contact. He doesn’t touch Hyunjin. 

But Hyunjin  _ wants  _ Felix to touch him, wants Felix to lay a reassuring hand on his back, to hold him. Wants to feel Felix's skin on his.

And he hates himself for it. He's terrified of it. 

And there's a word echoing in his head, over and over and over.

“Hyunjin…” Felix says, but Hyunjin can barely hear it.

Sinner. Sinner.  _ Sinner _ . 

The word reverberates in his head until it hurts as much as the ache in his heart. He chokes on a sob and wants to put his head straight through the floor as if that will make it stop. His hands clench into fists and unclench again just as quickly, utterly useless in a situation like this. He grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut, but the burn remains, and tears continue to slip free. 

He’s not good. He’s not  _ right _ . Something must have gone wrong in his creation for him to end up like this - so backwards he hasn’t been able to fix himself even though he’s tried so hard. He’s so broken he’s beyond hope, but still… 

But still, he remembers the words he’s clung to since a girl at camp had confidently recited them to their group on the first Sunday they were all together.  _ Don’t you know? You’re not supposed to hate people, even sinners. You’re supposed to hate their sin, not them. You love the sinner, hate the sin. _

Love the sinner. Hyunjin chokes down another sob and hopes,  _ prays _ that someone still can.  _ Please _ , he thinks,  _ I don’t know how to fix myself. Please forgive me. Please love me still. _

Love the sinner. Hyunjin manages to push himself up into a crouch, repeating the words like a mantra in his head, clutching tight to the slightest reassurance. He doesn’t realise he’s whispering the words out loud until Felix suddenly closes the gap between them again, clutching his shoulder with a fierceness Hyunjin rarely sees. 

“Hyunjin,  _ stop _ ,” he says, sounding furious and hurt. “Don’t say shit like that!”

Hyunjin isn’t brave enough to look up and meet Felix’s eyes. All he can do is shake his head and try not to curl in on himself again. “But I-”

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ say you’re a sinner.” Felix’s voice is shaking.

“But-”

“No. Hyunjin you’re  _ not _ . Those guys have no idea what they’re talking about. You  _ know  _ they’re wrong. Don’t listen to what they say.”

“It’s not just them!” Hyunjin insists.

“Then everyone’s wrong!” Felix’s grip tightens, and Hyunjin’s eyes flit up from the floor before he can stop them. Felix is trembling, brows furrowed, eyes focused on Hyunjin. And there’s  _ fear  _ in his eyes, anger and anguish, and Hyunjin goes cold right to his core because he doesn’t think he’s ever seen Felix look like this before. No, he  _ knows  _ he never has.

"You’re not a sinner. You don't need forgiveness. You shouldn't need to beg for love. You're kind and good and you deserve love just for existing, just for being you." 

Hyunjin has to turn his head away from the burning look in Felix’s eyes. Tears well hotter than ever in his own eyes, and he blinks furiously, trying to dispel them. Heat swells in his chest too though, like his heart is burning and setting his ribs and throat ablaze as well. He can’t speak a word of protest against Felix’s claims as a sharp sob scorches through him. 

Hyunjin thinks he’s crumbling again, dirt turning to dust, but Felix’s grip on his shoulder is iron enough to keep him up, hold him together. 

“Hyunjin,” Felix says again, voice gentler this time. “Hyunjin, please tell me you know you’re not broken, not wrong or terrible or a sinner or any of the other bullshit anyone says.”

Hyunjin can’t bring himself to speak.

“Hyunjin…” Felix’s voice cracks, and Hyunjin  _ feels  _ the sound like it’s his own body splintering. “Do you think  _ I’m  _ a sinner?” Felix whispers.

This gets Hyunjin’s head to snap right up. “No! No, of course not!”

Felix offers him a small, tilted smile. It doesn’t look right with the sheen of unshed tears in his eyes. “Why?”

Not even a beat of hesitation, Hyunjin says, “Because you’re you.” It’s never occurred to him that Felix is anything other than good and brave and strong, better than most people he’s ever met. 

“How can I be good if you’re not, Hyunjin?” Felix asks. “How can something make you bad and not make me bad too?”

“You-” Hyunjin doesn’t know what to say.  _ You just are? How can you be bad when I love you so much? How can I be good when I love you so much?  _ And Hyunjin, despite everything (no…  _ because  _ of everything) is still crying, and has cried himself to a splitting headache. He’s cried so hard his head pounds as hard as his heart against his chest, and it hurts so much he can’t stand it. Hurts so much on top of everything else that all he can do is keep crying, crying like he hasn’t in ages and ages, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. 

“Okay,” Felix says softly, almost as if he knows, “you don’t have to say anything. Will you just listen for a bit? I have something I want to tell you.”

Hyunjin can’t nod his head for fear of pain splitting it in half, so he makes a small choked noise through his tears and gasping breaths, which Felix somehow understands is a yes. 

“Okay,” Felix says, and his voice is soft and low as a lullaby, “I know it’s hard right now and everything sucks, and it feels like it’s never going to get better, but it does. And don’t start thinking that I’m just  _ saying  _ that because that’s what people are supposed to say when someone’s upset, all right? I really mean it. Do you believe me?”

Hyunjin doesn’t say anything, focusing on just  _ breathing _ in and out and in so he doesn’t choke on his tears and turn blue. Felix doesn’t need him to answer though, and he knows this from the light squeeze Felix gives his shoulder before loosening his grip and letting his thumb rub absently against Hyunjin’s arm through his shirt. 

“Well, I mean it because I  _ know  _ it. First year of high school I was a mess. I thought I did a good job hiding it because I didn’t want anyone to know, but I was fourteen so I was a dumbass and probably doing a terrible job of it.” 

There’s a hint of that bittersweet smile in his voice again, Hyunjin can tell without opening his eyes again. 

“I think it was the worst that winter, because I’d always go on these crazy long walks whenever I couldn’t stand just  _ existing  _ and felt like I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get away from everything and just wear myself down, but once it got cold and dark I couldn’t go out anymore and everything just got trapped inside of me. And-” his voice gets serious,  _ pointed _ “-when you bottle everything up, all it does is put you under so much pressure you’re bound to explode sooner or later.”

Hyunjin feels the words knock into him like a strong gust of wind, threatening to bowl him over. He knows Felix isn’t just talking about himself, and a fresh wave of shame washes over him like a bitter aftertaste. He tucks his chin towards his chest and curls in on himself, feels small and scolded until Felix’s other hand suddenly rests on his forearm, just as light and gentle as the one on his shoulder. 

“So that winter, almost every day I felt like this ticking time bomb about to go off, and it just kept getting worse and worse until one day we started looking at poetry for our lit class. I had Iverson that year, and I always thought he was kinda weird for a lit teacher, really quiet and never shoving his interpretations of the text down our throats like some of the other ones did. He always just stood up there at the front of the room and let us figure everything out for ourselves unless we  _ really _ needed a nudge somewhere, so I always thought he was just, like, lazy or bored or tired of having to deal with all his classes every day.”

Hyunjin realizes with no small amount of shock that his tears seem to be waning, his body no longer shaking so terribly, each breath not a battle anymore. Felix’s story seems to have lulled him into a strange state of almost calm, his gentle voice and hands providing more comfort than Hyunjin had realized. 

“Anyway,” Felix continues, “then we started that poetry unit and I realized he wasn’t bored or lazy or anything. He was paying more attention to us than half the class was paying to his lessons. That whole time, while we were analysing books, he was up there analysing us. And I know that’s a bold claim to make, but I’m telling you, I know that’s what he was doing. I know because that very first day of poetry, he saw me pick a random collection off the library cart and walk back to my seat and open it to look for something I could just circle metaphors and similes in and then call it a day.”

Felix laughs a little, and Hyunin’s eyes crack open just enough to see the faint smile on the edge of Felix’s lips, the faraway look on his face. He closes his eyes again before he sees Felix focus on him with a strange light in his eyes as he carries on with the story.

“I know because when I looked through that random collection of poems, I found one that almost made me cry right there in the middle of fucking class. Because even though I never actually  _ did  _ cry, even though he was all the way at the front of the room and had no way of seeing which poem I’d even been reading, somehow he  _ knew _ . I know, I know, that sounds crazy right? But at the end of class, he asked me to stay a minute after packing up my things, and when I went to his desk to ask what he wanted, all he did was hand me a book. I was like,  _ what the hell is this? Am I getting extra work or something? Did I do something wrong? _ ”

Felix laughs again, and it’s lighter this time. He sounds weightless. Something twinges in Hyunjin’s chest.

“But I didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t extra work or anything. When I actually  _ looked  _ at the thing he’d given me, I realized it was another collection of poetry. This one wasn’t a collection of a bunch of different poets though; everything was written by the same author. It was the same poet who’d written the poem I’d read in class - the one that almost made me cry. So I asked him what I was supposed to do with it, like was it an assignment for class or something? And he just shook his head and told me he thought I’d enjoy it. He said it all calm and simple like it was whatever, right, like he hadn’t basically just told me he knew I was hurting and somehow that one poem from that one random book had helped me a little bit.”

Felix lets out a breath, and he doesn’t sound quite so weightless anymore, but there’s still that strange squeezing in Hyunjin’s chest. He realizes he can feel the heat of Felix’s breath as he talks, and cracks his eyes open again to discover he’s been listing forward, leaning unconsciously in towards Felix. He tries to stop himself from moving any closer, but he doesn’t move away.

“Anyway,” Felix sighs, “I know this sounds like a stupid story, but really, it’s all important. So Iverson gave me that collection of poetry like it was no big deal, but it  _ was _ . When I got home I just laid down on my bed and started to read it because I wanted, I mean I  _ needed  _ to know if the rest of the poems were the same as that one that I’d read in class. I didn’t even get through the first two before I was crying. Crying for  _ real _ . Just like you.”

A watery laugh croaks from Hyunjin’s mouth before he can think to try and stop it, and Felix echoes it, just as watery. He leans into Hyunjin, and when Hyunjin doesn’t pull away, shifts one arm so it’s wrapped around Hyunjin’s shoulders. Hyunjin tries not to lean right back into the touch. He’s not sure he succeeds.

“I guess you can tell since I’m not upset about it, but I wasn’t crying because the poems were bad. It was the opposite really, and it was weird since I don’t usually get all teary over some pretty words, but that’s not really what the poems were. I mean the words were pretty, yeah, but what really got me was that looking at them - the words - all strung together and telling a story, was like looking right down at the page and seeing myself on it. That’d never happened to me before, so it was pretty crazy. Like sad and lonely little fourteen year old Felix got his tiny mind blown.”

Felix laughs at himself again and Hyunjin feels it reverberate through his chest. It doesn’t jostle him like his own shaking sobs had, and he finds it doesn’t hurt like his own thoughts had when bouncing around in his head. This light laughter of Felix’s feels more like a gentle buzzing, like a bee brushing against a flower petal. Hyunjin knows this is because it’s Felix, because Felix’s touch is always gentle and never more than Hyunjin can truly bear.

“Sorry I keep cutting myself off,” Felix says without enough sheepishness to suggest he really means it. Hyunjin thinks Felix probably knows his rambling is the only reason Hyunjin’s been able to calm down - knows his voice and touch are the only things anchoring Hyunjin now, keeping him grounded and together when he feels ready to break into a thousand pieces. 

“So basically that breakdown that I’d been waiting for all freshman year finally happened thanks to that poetry book Iverson gave me, but it was totally different from what I thought it was gonna be. I mean I really thought I was going to just start screaming one day and tear myself apart because I couldn’t stand it anymore, but then I was just in my room crying instead. And I didn’t want to tear myself apart or anything because it was like that book was right there staring at me telling me it was all right. Like Iverson gave it to me to tell me I was okay, I was gonna be okay.”

Hyunjin already hurts all over, a dull throb running through his whole body as alive as his own pulse, but at this, a fresh kind of ache takes over him. 

_ Okay _ . It sounds so nice. 

“And I went to school the next day and it was like that man knew exactly what had happened,” Felix continues. “I walked into class and he smiled at me like he  _ understood _ . And when he had me stay late again after class and asked if I liked the book and wanted to keep it for whatever project we were gonna do later, all I said was  _ yes, thank you _ , but he  _ still  _ had that look about him. Like he  _ knew _ , even though I hadn’t told him anything. He’d known before that something was wrong, and he knew then too, that it was getting better. He knew and he  _ cared  _ enough to do something, and it really helped me.”

Hyunjin wonders if this is Felix’s way of telling Hyunjin  _ he  _ cares. 

“So the whole point,” Felix says, already answering Hyunjin’s question, “is that it  _ does  _ get better. Even when you don’t think it can, it does. Even when you only think things can get worse. And it helps when you have someone who cares about you trying to help things get better. Actually no, it doesn’t even need to be that. It just helps having someone who cares about you.” Felix inhales audibly. “That’s why I’m here, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin’s chest squeezes again and it feels like his heart is being crushed by the walls of his ribs. But no, that can’t be right; he knows this is because of what Felix has said, and Felix doesn’t hurt him. And then Hyunjin realizes it’s not his ribs that feel like they’re closing in on his heart, but his heart, which feels swollen with something he can hardly put words to, trying to grow past the cage of his chest.

“Are you going to assign me summer reading homework?” He tries to joke despite everything, because suddenly he feels laid bare on his bedroom floor, wrapped half in Felix’s arms, still with salty cheeks and trembling limbs. There’s a part of him that’s still scared.

Felix takes it in stride. He simply hums, “I’ll recite the beginning of one for you and let you decide if you want.”

Part of Hyunjin is still scared but… “I’d like that.”

Even though Hyunjin isn’t looking, he knows Felix is smiling. When Felix starts to speak, Hyunjin can hear the smile in his voice too. “ _ You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. _ ”

Felix trails off and Hyunjin feels scared to even breathe. When Felix had said he’d seen himself on the pages of the poetry book, Hyunjin hadn’t really understood. Now he knows. It feels like he’s been gutted. Like the overgrown forest of his chest has been pruned and weeded, each line the snap of shears ridding his heart of a dark, twisting vine of doubt, of guilt, of fear. He doesn’t know what he is without those. If he’s nothing but empty inside now.

But Hyunjin can’t hold his breath forever, and when he finally does breathe, he thinks he would cry again if he hadn’t already run himself out of tears. Hyunjin inhales and summer sweeps into his lungs, warm and silky and caressing everything it touches. The air rushing through him helps Hyunjin realize he’s not as empty as he fears. 

There are his lungs, expanding and contracting as constant as ocean waves. There is his voice, given life by the air, whispering  _ thank you _ like a prayer. There are his ribs, no longer tightened by tangled weeds. There is hope, unfurling at the center of it all. He can finally feel it now, no longer buried by darkness.

There is his heart, beating, aching, loving.

Hyunjin doesn’t know how to verbalize any of this. All he can do is tuck his pounding head into Felix’s collar and let it rest there until the sharp pain fades to a dull throb. Felix shifts to adjust his arms around Hyunjin, and there’s only the briefest moment of panic in Hyunjin’s mind that Felix is preparing to leave before his hands settle again and he simply rubs wide, soothing arcs across Hyunjin’s back. Hyunjin sighs, lets himself relish the sensation longer than he ever would have thought he could. 

Eventually, exhaustion sinks deep through Hyunjin’s skin to settle in his bones, and he has to pull himself away from Felix. It’s awkward, to meet Felix’s eyes -  _ really  _ meet them - for the first time after everything, but Felix’s face is open and understanding, judgement free. He looks at Hyunjin the same way he always has. It brings a whisper of peace to Hyunjin regardless of the situation.

“Thank you,” he says again.

Felix just nods, like his comfort is a given. “I understand what you’re going through. I’m always here to talk if you need it.”

Hyunjin manages a hint of a smile. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” Felix asks, tone turning serious. “At least for tonight?”

Hyunjin nods. “I just wanna sleep and not think until my head doesn’t hurt so much.”

“Okay,” Felix seems to understand this well enough. Hyunjin thinks he’s no stranger to sleeping away any amount of pain. “Text me if you want to talk at all. I’ll send you the rest of the poem if you want, too.”

Hyunjin feels that half smile on his lips again and nods before pushing himself to his feet. Felix clambers up after him, though he seems hesitant to move towards the door. “I’ll come by again soon,” he promises. 

“I’ll get you a better seat next time,” Hyunjin says, following Felix when he finally steps out of the bedroom and into the hall. 

Felix lets out a surprised almost-laugh and turns to glance back at Hyunjin just before sinking down the first step. “The carpet wasn’t half-bad though.”

Hyunjin doesn’t have a response to this, but it doesn’t matter. They’re used to silence as much as they’re used to quiet conversation. They walk down the stairs with nothing but the sound of the steps creaking breaking the air, and when they reach the bottom, Felix heads right for the door. He slips his shoes back on, and Hyunjin realizes he never registered taking his own off. He must have though, because he can feel the cool floor under his socked feet.

“I’ll see you,” he says softly as Felix unlocks the door and twists the knob to open it.

Felix looks over his shoulder as he steps into the darkness swallowing the front step. “Soon,” he promises. And then the door clicks shut behind him.

Hyunjin counts too slowly to twenty in his head, then reaches forward and locks the door again. He turns off the overhead light, and heads right back up the stairs. 

In thirty minutes, he’s drowning in a large tee and curled up in a tight ball under his sheets. Just before closing his eyes, he opens a message from Felix. It’s a screenshot of the poem on some online blog, all italics. Hyunjin reads it through twice before his phone screen turns black. 

He falls asleep with a small droplet of peace stored safe within his ribs, rippling out with the beat of his heart. 

_ Soon _ . Felix had said soon. 

Still, when the doorbell rings just after Hyunjin’s second bite of cereal the next morning (it’s afternoon, really, but Hyunjin had felt little motivation to drag himself out of bed before hunger started gnawing at him) it feels  _ too  _ soon. He abandons his cereal on the kitchen counter and circles the island to make for the front door, but trepidation laces every step he takes. 

When he opens the door, his heart plummets all the way to the floor. He was right to be worried.

Felix is leaning on the doorframe, eyes half open. He’s wearing black, but that does little to hide the blood on him; it leaks from cuts on his face and his lips, and trickles out of his nose. Skin that isn’t stained red from the blood is a shade of blue-green from fresh blooming bruises.

It’s like all the injuries Hyunjin has ever seen on him- all at once. 

"It's not as bad as it looks," Felix says, words clumsy between his busted lips. Before Hyunjin can say anything in response - like _you're_ _fucking crazy_ \- Felix turns sharply to the side and coughs so hard he shakes. When the fit passes, Felix lists forward and Hyunjin catches his forearms so he doesn’t end up hugging the opposite door frame. 

"Felix…" he trails off before saying anything else as he takes in the site of Felix's hands. Wrapped loosely around the bend of Hyunjin's elbows, Felix's hands are stained red too. His knuckles are split and bleeding and raw, and Hyunjin starts as the weight of this realization sinks in. 

_ Felix fought back. _

“Felix, what happened?” Hyunjin’s voice is shaky as he asks.

All he gets in response is a pained groan.

“Okay...fuck, okay.” Hyunjin pulls Felix into the house as gently as he can and kicks the front door closed behind them. “You’re sure it’s not that bad?”

“Sure.” It doesn’t sound very convincing coming out of Felix’s split, bloody lips. 

Hyunjin glances to the kitchen before deciding there’s a little too much blood for that, and his eyes travel to the staircase. “We’re gonna go to the bathroom,” he decides. 

Felix doesn’t protest. He lets Hyunjin guide him carefully up the stairs and into the bathroom like this is just any other visit. When they make it through the door, Hyunjin sits Felix down on the edge of the bathtub- right where the lip is at its widest. Felix sighs as he leans his back against the cool tile wall.

For a long moment, it’s utterly silent.

“Please don’t freak out,” Felix says, quiet,  _ sheepish _ .

Hyunjin knocks down the toilet lid and sits down hard on it. He lets out a heavy breath, drags a heavier one back in. He wrings his hands together in his lap, trying to cool his nerves and calm his racing heart. It’s hard; he’s never seen Felix look like this. Every other time has been bad, but this is worse.

Well before he’s really ready to, Hyunjin forces himself to stand and move for the first aid kit in the pop-open mirror above the sink. He sets it on the counter, tries not to look at his frazzled reflection, pushes the mirror closed again. Sinking to his knees, he opens the lower cabinet to tug out the first two washcloths he finds. They’re both dark blue - part of a set Hyunjin doesn’t think they have anymore - and he hopes the blood won’t show through the color like it does on white. He’s not sure whether he can bleach these kinds of towels.

Regardless, he stands, tosses one onto the counter with the first aid kit, and runs water over the other. He squeezes it out in the sink, then turns and crosses the short distance between the counter and the tub. 

Felix is sitting with his legs splayed, one on either side of the tub wall, so when Hyunjin sits down in front of him, their knees knock. The tub is cold enough that Hyunjin flinches as his bare skin touches it. He flinches again as it finally registers in his mind that he’s still wearing what he went to sleep in: just a large t-shirt and boxers. His cheeks prickle and burn and he hopes his face isn’t as flushed as it feels all of a sudden. 

Gritting his teeth and trying to will his skin not to turn pink, Hyunjin finally focuses his eyes on Felix’s face, only to find Felix already looking right at him. There’s something in his gaze that Hyunjin can’t read, and he looks away quickly. 

With trembling hands, Hyunjin lifts the washcloth to Felix’s face and presses it to his skin lightly, almost experimentally. It’s silly- he’s done this more times that he would’ve liked, but still, he’s nervous, unsure. 

He’s afraid of hurting Felix any more than he already has been. 

Felix doesn’t move away from the cloth though, so Hyunjin begins the motions he’s grown used to. He works the washcloth inwards from the edges of Felix’s face, cleaning away blood to reveal more cuts and bruises than he’s ever seen littering Felix’s handsome face before. 

When he reaches Felix’s nose, his press against the cloth grows even lighter, but Felix finally flinches away from it anyway. Hyunjin sucks in a sharp breath and pulls his hand away, lowering the cloth to instead wipe gently at the blood on Felix’s swollen lips. As he swipes across Felix’s lower lip, just before he gets to the corner, Felix’s lips part. Suddenly Hyunjin can feel Felix’s breath hot on his skin, and he freezes. 

For a moment, they’re both still as stone. Then as easily as they’d fallen open, Felix’s lips come together again. Hyunjin forces himself to move again like nothing has happened, and he finishes cleaning the rest of the dried flecks of blood around Felix’s mouth as quickly as he can without looking like he’s rushing.

Finally, he pulls away completely. He’d found himself leaning in unconsciously while he worked, so he angles his chest back before standing again. He glances to Felix’s eyes as he moves, and feels his stomach knot when he finds Felix looking directly at him.

It’s not until his back it turned so he can’t look at Felix anymore that Hyunjin feels his breath come naturally again. He rinses and wrings out the washcloth in the sink, watching the water run red, pretending he can’t feel Felix watching  _ him _ . 

Silence hangs long and heavy as the unbearable summer heat over them, lessened only by the sound of water in the sink basin. It had been tense before, but now that Hyunjin isn’t centimeters from Felix, it becomes unbearable.

“What changed?” The question slips out before he can stop it. Hyunjin doesn’t elaborate both because he’s not sure he can speak without his voice shaking something terrible, and because he knows Felix knows what he’s asking.

Felix sighs again. He doesn’t say anything for long enough that Hyunjin starts to think maybe he just won’t answer. Then: “I just couldn’t take it anymore. After yesterday… I realized that if I never did anything they were never gonna stop.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin looks long and hard at his hands where they’re wrapped tight around the washcloth, still running the water in the basin pink.

“I-” Felix hesitates, and Hyunjin glances back to see him focused intently on the wall across the tub “-I guess I could deal with it when it was just me, but if they hurt someone else... if they hurt  _ you _ … I definitely couldn’t deal with that.” 

For a long moment, Hyunjin can’t quite breathe. When it passes, he feels lightheaded, and has to hold himself up with a hand on the sink. “Well,” he hardly dares ask, “did it go how you wanted?”

Felix’s eyes flick to Hyunjin. He nods. “They’re all cowards.” He looks down to his hands, red against the white of the tub. “Just mean cowards.”

Hyunjin swallows, strange relief flooding his gut. He turns off the water and walks back to Felix, sits down in front of him again. This time, he doesn’t shy away from meeting Felix’s eyes. He wants to  _ see  _ him answer this, needs to be  _ sure _ . “You think they’ll stop now?”

Felix meets his gaze and tries to smile. “I think I convinced them, yeah.”

Hyunjin’s shoulders slump with relief. He lifts one of Felix’s hands gingerly in his own, but doesn’t start cleaning the blood from it yet. “I’m glad you finally fought back,” he admits, looking down at their hands clasped together. “I know you don’t like fighting, but… I hate seeing you like this.” Hyunjin glances back up to finds Felix watching him carefully. He looks back down to their hands and runs his thumb along Felix’s palm. “I don’t want you to get hurt.” 

Felix lifts his other hand to cradle Hyunjin’s. “I know,” he says, voice low, “I didn’t really understand until yesterday, but I get it now.”

Hyunjin doesn’t need to ask what  _ it  _ is. He just nods, shifts his hands so one of Felix’s palms lays flat atop his own, and turns his attention to the bruised knuckles looking up at him. Hyunjin pats lightly at each cut, aware that the skin of Felix’s hands is delicate and untested. The things he knows won’t hurt Felix’s face, he’s unsure of here.

But Felix remains calm and still as Hyunjin works, and slowly his confidence grows. Hyunjin leaves one hand damp and pink as Felix moves his other into Hyunjin’s hold without prompting, asking to switch. So Hyunjin repeats all the same careful motions, until Felix’s hands are both as free of blood as the cloth can get them, and the full extent of his injuries prove to be somewhat less than Hyunjin had feared. The blood had made  _ everything  _ look much worse than it actually was, so Hyunjin finds himself exhaling, heavy with relief.

He’s just about to declare the job done when Felix’s head tilts and Hyunjin gets a glimpse of his throat. “There’s blood on your neck,” he says in surprise.

Felix’s eyes widen and he lifts a hand to brush against his throat. When he pulls the hand away again, his fingers are still clean. “It must be dry now,” he guesses. 

“Can I…” Hyunjin hesitates at the thought of Felix baring his throat. “Can I see?” His voice comes out too breathy. 

Felix makes a small sound of affirmation and tilts his head back. Hyunjin inches closer and braces his hands on the bathtub so he doesn’t feel tempted to reach out and brush his fingers along the delicate skin of Felix’s throat. As he looks closer, he sees that the blood starts just below Felix’s chin, and appears to have dripped down his neck from there. It’s faint and not from any injury Hyunjin hasn’t examined yet, so he tries not to worry over it too much.

“Must have been from your lips,” he says after a moment.

Felix tilts his head back down, brings a hand up to touch his lower lip, then stares at his clean fingers like they may answer some unspoken question of his. “Must’ve,” he echoes, finally looking back to Hyunjin. He lets his hand drop to the lip of the tub, but it lands atop Hyunjin’s hand instead. 

They both go very still.

Hyunjin becomes acutely aware of how close he’d leaned in towards Felix, how close they now are to each other. He opens his mouth to say something,  _ anything _ , but nothing comes out. Silence fills the air around them. All Hyunjin can feel is Felix’s hand still laying on top of his own, Felix’s knees brushing against his lower thighs. The air seems to grow tangibly thick between them, but in Hyunjin’s lungs it feels impossibly thin.

Felix’s eyes are locked on Hyunjin’s, as frozen as the rest of his body. Time stretches like taffy as they stare at each other, sticky-sweet. It feels like the moment could last forever, just the two of them here, suspended in an eternal summer. But everything goes in its time. 

Hyunjin breaks first. His eyes drop to Felix’s nose - still not fully cleaned of the blood on it - then to his lips. They’re stained a deep, dark pink, still slightly swollen. There’s a small cut near the right corner of Felix’s mouth, a slightly angrier one on his bottom lip, just off to the left. That must have been the one that leaked blood down his neck.

And then, even as Hyunjin looks at Felix’s lips, the image of his bared neck flashes in his head, unbidden. Hyunjin tenses. The sudden fear that he’s about to do something terrible grips him, and he forces himself to look away, turning his head sharply to the side.

The moment shatters like dropped porcelain. 

“You’re still bloody,” Hyunjin chokes out in an attempt to save himself, “I think you should shower to really clean it all.”

“Oh.” Felix’s voice is flat, strangely empty. Hyunjin looks back to him and watches his face falls ever so slightly. “Yeah, okay,” he says, “I can head home now.”

“Wait!” Hyunjin doesn’t think before reaching out and grabbing Felix’s arm. “Stay.”

Felix freezes before he even has a chance to stand. He blinks at Hyunjin in surprise. Something flashes in his eyes. “What?”

Hyunjin scrambles to find the right words. “You shouldn’t be alone,” he tries, but  _ no, not quite right _ . “I…” His face burns. “I want you to stay here. With me.”

Felix tilts his head. “Are you saying I can use your shower?”

Hyunjin nods. “There’re towels under the sink.”

“And clothes?”

Hyunjin feels hot all over. “I can bring you some.”

There’s a hint of a smile on Felix’s lips, and his eyes have gone soft. “Okay,” he says. “Thank you.”

Hyunjin’s cheeks burn, but there’s cool relief pooling in his stomach, and it makes the heat bearable. He nods again. “I’ll be right back.” He pushes to his feet, lets go of Felix with no small bit of regret at the loss, and heads out the door.

In the corner of his room, there’s a basket of clean laundry still hiding from a few days earlier. Hyunjin grabs the first appropriate things he can find in it, and hurries back the way he came. 

When Hyunjin walks back into the bathroom, Felix is still sitting on the edge of the tub, but his shirt now lays in a crumpled heap on the floor. Hyunjin almost bites his tongue as he tries to choke out a simple  _ here are the clothes.  _

“Thanks,” Felix says.

“Mhm!” Hyunjin sounds strangled even to himself. He clears his throat and forces himself to look away, setting the clothes on the counter near the abandoned washcloths and the med kit he’d forgotten entirely. “Did you find a towel?”

“Yeah.” Felix points, and sure enough, there’s a towel hanging on the wall next to the shower.

“Okay, I’ll be out then,” Hyunjin says, backing away.

Before he can inch all the way out of the bathroom and shut the door, Felix stands. “Thanks,” he says again.

Hyunjin’s brows furrow. “You alr-”

“For everything,” Felix elaborates. “Thank you.”

“Oh.” Hyunjin pauses with his hand on the door. “Of course,” he says, and he means it. He takes another step back, offers Felix a small smile, and closes the door.

Hyunjin lingers until he hears the water start running, then he turns and paces down the hall until he ends up in his room. He lies flat on his back on top of his sheets and stares at the ceiling, trying to sort out his thoughts. He tries closing his eyes, but when he does, all he sees is Felix. His palms tingle and his skin burns, and he wonders why this is all he can think about. He wonders like he doesn’t already know.

Minutes later, soft footsteps interrupt his thoughts, and Hyunjin sits up in bed to find Felix standing just outside his bedroom door. His breath catches in his throat. The shirt he’d grabbed for Felix is one that fits him well, which means on Felix’s smaller frame, it looks noticeably large. It’s long enough that Hyunjin can barely tell Felix is wearing the shorts he’d left on the counter for him as well, and that’s enough to make Hyunjin’s skin burn all over again. He bites down on the inside of his cheek. 

“Are you hungry?” He asks, suddenly blessed by the memory of his forgotten cereal in the kitchen downstairs. His stomach grumbles as if it too has been reminded of this fact.

Felix shrugs, and that’s good enough for Hyunjin. He’s up off his bed and heading towards Felix in an instant. Their shoulders brush as Felix lets Hyunjin pass him and lead the way down the stairs and into the kitchen, and Hyunjin tries to focus on the hunger in his stomach and nothing else.

In the kitchen, Hyunjin tosses his soggy cereal in the sink and then opens the fridge, searching for a replacement breakfast. He eyes the milk and considers a new bowl of cereal for himself, but remembers the cuts on Felix’s lips. Cereal may not be the best option for him. He closes the fridge and turns to Felix, finding him seated on his usual bar stool. 

“We don’t have that much soft food in here. Is applesauce okay? It’s homemade.”

“Was that from one of your mom’s phases?” Felix asks, half joking.

Hyunjin grins sheepishly. “Maybe.”

“It sounds good,” Felix says.

Hyunjin makes a satisfied sound at the back of his throat and pulls the fridge open again. He grabs bowls and spoons and within a minute has poured Felix’s food in one and his own in another. While he’s putting everything back in the fridge, Felix pads across the floor to retrieve his. By the time Hyunjin picks up his own bowl, Felix is back at the island like he’d never even moved. He waits until Hyunjin sits down to start eating.

The meal - if you can call it that - passes in relative silence. Hyunjin discovers after his first bite just how hungry he really is, and the majority of his attention is quickly devoted to consuming his new helping of cereal. Felix makes a short remark about the quality of the applesauce, clearly pleased, and then mirrors Hyunjin’s focus on his food. His bites are slow and careful so as not to anger the cuts on his lips, but there’s no pain on his face while he eats. 

Hyunjin, when he isn’t focused on his food, is beyond relieved to find that Felix looks (and seems to feel) infinitely better than he had upon arrival. He is battered and bruised, but he is not broken. He’s going to be all right.

“Hey, Hyunjin?” Felix says when all their food is gone and Hyunjin’s back is to him while he deposits their dishes in the sink. 

Hyunjin turns. “Yeah?”

“You know what I used to dream about?”

Hyunjin’s steps stutter as he walks back to his seat. “What?” He asks.

Felix smiles, a distant little thing, and Hyunjin’s heart crashes against this chest. “I used to dream of being a mermaid.”

Hyunjin blinks. “Why?”

That little smile grows. “I loved the ocean. So big and blue and  _ open _ . I thought if I was a mermaid I’d be able to go anywhere in the world, anywhere I wanted. I could just swim for a while and I’d be there. But you know what I realized?”

“What?” Hyunjin’s breath feels caught in his chest. Felix’s bright eyes are focused on him and everything shrinks down to just the two of them.

“I don’t have to be a mermaid to go somewhere else, to go somewhere I want,” Felix says. “The world is big up here too.”

It seems so obvious, but when Felix says it like that, like his very bones are made of determination, like conviction runs through his veins, it’s like Hyunjin is realizing it for the first time. His lips part, but no sound comes out.

“Are you going to stay in this town forever?” Felix asks. 

Hyunjin thinks of the parks and woods and streets he’s grown up on. He thinks of all the people he knows, of the few who know him in return. He thinks of the church. He thinks of this house, of his parents. He realizes it feels more daunting to imagine staying here forever, living as half of himself, than it feels to imagine travelling somewhere far away and new. “I don’t think so,” he says.

The half smile on Felix’s face grows a little more grounded, not quite so far away anymore. “I don’t think so either.”

“Do you always know what you want?” Hyunjin asks, because Felix always seems so  _ sure _ , and he wonders if that’s really possible.

But Felix shakes his head. “No, I don’t always.” He still smiles though, and reaches forward to take Hyunjin’s hand, lifting it from where it had been resting on his knee and holding it gently. His eyes look like gold even though the sun isn’t shining on him. “But when I know, I  _ know _ .”

Hyunjin stares at their hands. For once, his heart isn’t beating wildly in his chest. He looks at Felix and feels calm spread through him. He feels warm, but he isn’t burning. He feels safe,  _ sure _ .

Yesterday had been so terrible he couldn't breathe. Today, he's figuring out how to breathe with new lungs, free from the strangling hold of fear and doubt. Today he's trying not to let those weeds grow around his heart again.

“I think I get it,” he whispers.

“Yeah?”

Hyunjin slides off his stool and steps forward so the small distance between them is halved. The smile on Felix’s face grows, and he uses his grip on Hyunjin’s hand to pull him the rest of the way in.

Felix’s knees knock against Hyunjin’s legs when he stands in front of Felix, so Felix abandons his stool as well. Moving to stand in front of Hyunjin, Felix brings them chest to chest, and has to tilt his head up to meet Hyunjin’s eyes. The warmth unfurling inside Hyunjin grows stronger, envelopes him like he’s standing in direct sunlight.

“Can I kiss you?” Felix asks, breathless.

Hyunjin feels full to bursting, feels heat everywhere Felix touches and everywhere his eyes wander. He nods, already leaning down, and Felix meets him.

And they’re kissing. Hyunjin is careful, moving slowly so he doesn’t further stress the cuts on Felix’s lips, and Felix hums appreciatively into his mouth. Felix’s free hand comes to rest on Hyunjin’s chest, just above his pounding heart, and Hyunjin’s floats up to rest on Felix’s neck. He runs his thumb against the sensitive skin of Felix’s throat, and it’s as soft as he’d thought it would be. 

Felix tastes like the applesauce Hyunjin had helped make months ago. He feels like a summer breeze, wrapping around Hyunjin, brushing through his hair, caressing his skin. Hyunjin lets himself be swept up and carried away by it.

The world is great and wide, and someday they’ll find their place in it, but for now, it all feels very,  _ very  _ small. For now, Hyunjin knows exactly where he belongs. For now, the world is just Hyunjin and Felix. 

And he’s home.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic changed so many times while i was writing it and ended up with a totally different conclusion than i had first planned, but i guess that's how the whole writing thing goes when you don't plan it all out at the beginning! i just read this whole thing back through and was surprised how happy i was with the first half or so, and i'm not as thrilled about the rest of it, but god i wanted this out of my docs so i dont have to look at it anymore so there u go. 
> 
> i feel like i should say that i know everyone's experience with religion isn't like this, but i'm just delivering some of my own personal feelings through this so obviously i can't speak for everyone. i think it's also important to note that the physical violence is not something i've struggled with, just my way of making all the internal feelings into external actions against the characters, if that makes sense. if you have a problem with that i'm really sorry- please just skip this one
> 
> last thing i want to say is that the first time i heard "love the sinner, hate the sin" i almost cried bc i was so relieved that i could still be loved in spite of myself and that is FUCKED UP bc u are absolutely not a sinner for loving anyone ok!!! be gay do crimes!!!
> 
> also if anyone is wondering, the poem felix reads hyunjin is "wild geese" by mary oliver. i've liked her work for a few years now (definitely recommend if ur lgbtq and/or into nature!) & it was a really profound experience for me the first time i read it so i thought it would be good to add into the story. this is the whole poem:
> 
> _You do not have to be good.  
>  You do not have to walk on your knees  
> For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.  
> You only have to let the soft animal of your body  
> love what it loves.  
> Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.  
> Meanwhile the world goes on.  
> Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain  
> are moving across the landscapes,  
> over the prairies and the deep trees,  
> the mountains and the rivers.  
> Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,  
> are heading home again.  
> Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,  
> the world offers itself to your imagination,  
> calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --  
> over and over announcing your place  
> in the family of things. _


End file.
